geniuses have talent, but talents dont make a genius.

here i am, tapping away at these keys again in the wee hours of dawn, high up in a box not my own.

i wonder if students're put in university just to be tortured? with the amount of assignments they heap onto us, you'd think they believe we need less than our purported 8 hours of sleep. not that many of us do, but yeah, still. apart from that, an impeccable internet connection is indispensable to us students (for the explicit purposes of searching for silly journals and contacting your groupmates), but you think the smartasses in TM realise that? damn right they dont.

these days, sometimes i find myself wondering what the heck i'm doing here, instead of tucking myself away in some antique university slogging my way through shakespeare, jonson, and the rest of the literati. strangely though, i feel a violent disinclination at any thought of giving up with tail tucked and going elsewhere. i refuse to give up. even if i have to kill myself (i havent tried yet, really) to at least get stats down my throat, i will.

the jester once said he thinks my passion isnt for psychology, and right he is. Z too, said he felt that i'm more of a liberal arts person, whilst S tells me that i really should study literature. i like pysch well enough though; have pretty much found myself through its windows, and had some questions answered. just last week, we discovered an interesting theory talking about different types of intelligence. in which case, i'd think i possess linguistic intelligence, but am sorely lacking in analytical, logical intelligence. that very same day, miss Y'd brought us through the chapter on arts... i guess i kinda underestimated how much i missed literature, and the arts.

all these thoughts've been flying around my head for the semester, and i answer a resolute no, whenever the idea of quitting rears its ugly head. reason? i may not be doing brilliantly where i am now, but i've learnt lessons and patterns of thinking that i appreciate and value very very much. i dont think i could've learned these elsewhere; it just has to be that perfect combination of circumstances. also, though i've been blessed with some little talent here and there, is it enough? no. never enough. talent isnt genius. so here, i refuse to take up any of the arts i love but cannot excel in, and risk being mediocre. i'd rather be ordinary, but have my little talents, than attempt to shine my poor little torch at the sun and have its brilliant rays overpower me and mine till i cant be seen anymore.

sigh. i'll honestly admit that my despondent mood comes from the monday deadline for 106 (the worst subject ever), and add the fact that ebsco's giving me trouble as usual... never mind, i'll write off for now.

a woman's curse...

one of the biggest curses in a woman's life (in my opinion, entirely) is the time of the month, when her hormones run amok and disrupt her emotional processes. true, i have yet to experience such emotional upheaval as often described in chic lit by the letters PMS (vastly overrated, if i may say so) but still, it's bloody (excuse the pun) inconvenient, and definitely something i'd wish away, if only i could. in our world of no fairy godmothers however, that would mean no motherhood, cuz no menstruation means no ovulation and no ovulation means no children.

which puts into mind this thought, why were we made this way? why not like amoebas, making use of asexual reproduction? (hemm... i wonder how that would work, perhaps hydras'd be a better example) then no more pangs of childbirth, no more children who lost their mums through childbirth, and yes, no more menstruation too. still, i guess there's always a dark cloud to be found before every silver lining, since there'd hardly be any emotional bond between mother and child without those 9 months of pregnancy. would you care as much for a child who simply grew out of your arm or something, or one you went through hell to deliver? i think... for me... i think it'd be the latter. dont ask me why, i'm no mother, and have no intention of being one anytime soon; its just a gut feeling.

anyway, as a female, this's to be expected and i might as well look forward to it. miss Y asked us all about gender roles and why women should be the ones given the motherly roles; would it have something to do with carrying the baby beneath your heart for all those months? perhaps its not merely a tool of society to box the woman into doing what it thinks she ought to, but another way for her to manifest her affection towards her offspring. the greatest beast turns into a gentle giant when caring for her cubs and all that raw strength and energy's replaced by an inborn tenderness for the little ones.

so yeah, the next time i groan about being a poor unfortunate female, i'll try to remember that maybe one day the blessing of a new life'll spring from this blasted curse, and do my best to be happy about it.

blogthings says i am...

okay, i can just imagine S's or the jester's faces when either of them read this, and that alone is already too much of a temptation to pass up. lemme get this clear though, as a psych student, i dont put stock into these things. they're fun, they kill time, they have cool avatars pictures, and thats how they stay. here goes...

You Can Be Deeply Passionate Sometimes

You like people, but you're careful about who you get close to. Friendship is important to you... so important that you aren't just friends with anyone.You have cold feet when it comes to love. You have a lot of uncertainty until you convince yourself to dive right in.You are deeply passionate about several things in your life. You're not passionate about much... and the few passions you have are truly obsessions.Your sense of humor is intellectual and obscure. Only really well educated people get your jokes.

hmmm... i like this one. its the beach test, i think? i agree with the friendship bit, the passionate bit. the rest? i wonder.

Your Bed Says You Have Your Head in the Clouds

Outward appearances are a concern of yours, but not your primary concern. You try to take care of yourself and your home, but it's not an obsession.You try to be an organized person, but you often fall behind. Certain parts of your life tend to fall into chaos.You are not very high maintenance in general, but you are high maintenance about a few things.In relationships, you tend to kick back and let the other person be in charge.You tend to be a dreamy, head in the clouds type of person. You think in terms of possibilities.You are a bit of a homebody, but you can also make yourself at home anywhere.

agreed. i'm definitely not the most organized person in this side of the world, but i try (though not hard enough). agreed too, the let-the-other-person-take-charge thing. high maintenance huh? what few things would those be? lol, dreams're good. keeps me floating in the air. XD

Your Face Says You're Energetic

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced.Overall, your true self is reserved and logical.With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.In stressful situations, you seem sad and helpless.

ouch. the last sentence hits a bulls eye straight on a bingo. the jester can testify to that. he's had to dig me out of panic more than once when things go wrong.

You Are 52% Real

You're pretty real with people, but you can't help hiding a good part of yourself.You're not truly happy with who you are at times... and believe it or not, it shows.Try not to hide parts of your life from the people who matter to you.Your friends and family are probably a lot more accepting than you realize!

hmm. no comments on this one. hiding? says who eh, eh?

You Are Riding Boots

You are very sophisticated. You have refined tastes, and you don't fall for cheesy trends.You are naturally chic and stylish. You can pull together a great look in no time flat.You don't need a lot of flash or bling in your life. You prefer the glamour of the understated.You treasure wisdom. You are attracted to ideas and things that have stood the test of time.

hmmm... i wouldnt mind being sophisticated, but i think i'm a little too lackadaisy for that. and yes, i have discriminating tastes and YES i dont fall for cheesy trends, thank you. not so sure bout the next few lines but Yes i treasure wisdom and yes to the last point too.

You Are a Chocolate Shake

You are a total hedonist. You are drawn to pleasure.You are an expressive, over the top person. You're naturally dramatic.You're the type of person who always chooses quality over quantity.Life's too short to not have optimal experiences. You're proud of being picky.

ehh, anytime i'm on par with chocolate i'm happy, though i dont think 'total hedonist's' quite correct. yes i enjoy pleasures but i set limits. dramatic? smacks of JM... quality over quantity, YES!

You Are Fruit Flavored Gum

You are quirky and independent. You don't tend to follow any one style or rule book. You are a mix and match type of person, and you draw inspiration from many sources. While you're definitely a bit unusual, you get along well with other people. You're eager to welcome anyone into your world. You are not judgmental at all.You form close bonds with your friends, and your relationships tend to be very secure.You hold firm to your beliefs and values, and you don't let anyone talk you into compromising them.

what does fruit flavoured gum have to do with all this?? hmmm.. lines 2 and 3, agreed. lines 7, 8, definitely agreed.

pooh. add that all up, and i'll soon be the paragon of womanhood, eh? grow up, girlie. its time to be a lady.

girlfriend or girlfiend?

hmmm. i'm not quite sure how the topic came up, but y'all probably know how my mind can wonder from east to easter; bad habit, but its useful.

talked with S during lunch today, swapping snippets of talk on money and how painful it is to watch them fly out of our wallets into someone elses's eager hands. somehow, lying on my bunk now (the mattress feels so wooden it doesnt deserve to be called a bed), another story occured to me, about someone whose spending habits were so bad her huge allowance wasnt enough to cover all her expenses. one thought led to another, and i found myself recalling another horrifying (to me, at least) anecdote of a brand-blinded baby who acquires brand-new (excuse the pun) haute couture bags just about every month, courtesy of her beau.

the poor bugger.

i wouldnt feel so sorry for him if he were dirty rich and easily able to afford the digs, but when he has to work his ass off for the extra cash, and resort to borrowing money just so she can flaunt the latest contraptions, i cannot help but wonder if the colour of his glasses're tinted a little tooooo rosy for his own good. were i him i'd be seeing red, simply cuz if he were to marry the lady in question, he'd have to bear the cross of a heck of a lot more of her expenses rather than just her shopping frenzies and taste for expensive cuisine. and what an unworthy cross that would be.

shudder. such mentalities are beyond me. i do not lambast buying such branded gizmos, because i'm as much a lover of beautiful things as anyone else. rather, i condemn those who cannot afford them, and who therefore coerce their partners into spending on their behalf. the guilt trick's a hard ploy to gainsay; who wouldnt want their partner to be happy? although perhaps we ought to think about how shallow that puddle of happiness seems, especially if it dries up the moment the rays of a new bag sitting behind immaculate glass cases shine upon it.

so... girlfriend or girlfiend? you decide.

men want to claim the woman in them too.

aha. so apparently men want to claim their feminity as well.

this, ah, weird thought came about yesterday while poking around the men's underwear section in metro; dont ask me how i ended up there (the fact that i was with the jester and M ought to be the best i-dont-know-how-i-got-there excuse ever, lol). i suppose the huge poster of the buff-boy in briefs with leg holes cut high up all the way to the waistband caught our attention first, since it looked rather odd. curiosity leads to trouble; thats what made them start digging and eyeing the boxes to try and identify that 'weird' pair of underpants.

(i had no idea men wore such a thing called bikini briefs. bikinis're for women, arent they? so what're men doing wearing underwear labeled 'bikinis'?? okay. like i said, i guess men wanna claim that little twinkle bit of feminity in themselves... nothing so very wrong with that, eh? we women claimed trousers for our own use after all anyway.)

still, dr G's bit on operant conditioning has me paying a lot more attention to ads and posters these days and i quite surprised myself by actually remembering what he taught while alternatively choking and trying not to be embarrased by the jester and M's, ah, outrageous comments. so thats why men's underwear boxes always have pictures of designer (over)buff muscles and as of yesterday's examples, an appearing-to-be-overly-endowed physique. i wouldnt know for sure, but the other two were comparing boxes and commenting on, ah, authenticity and speculating on whether the men'd stuffed anything down the front of their underwear.

shocking revelation, indeed.

still, marley and his goofs put the whole fiasco out of my mind till now, but hey, who'd remember underwear snippets after watching marley crash through screen doors and pooping on dog beach? he's really one pooch straight out of Insane Land; what dog eats sofas like he does??? i near bawled my eyes out watching him die; i just cant watch another dog die without remembering how my own did. (the bluidy bugger who poisoned them, i hope ye pay for it in hell.)

dogs're worth their weight in gold, well, most of them, anyway. as much as doongie drives me half up the ceiling sometimes, he more than makes up for it with the loyal affection and joy he's given the family. who wouldnt love him after watching him wrestle with his poor rubber chicken? awwwww.

jANwk1-10? or 11? and another bunch for my counselling class too.

ohhhhh dear. i knew i ought to have done em journals every week instead of crashing.

sigh. beggin' pardon, miss Y, but i do suppose i kaint really see the significance of studying paleo-era-logies, or primates; homo erectus/aferensis/hominids/ homonoids/hominins... my head's swimming. give me culture or language anyday. that, is what i call pure fun.

better buck up a bit, i say. i havent done exactly brilliantly for 106; blasted statistics, how the hell am i gonna live through advanced research and undergrad thesis??? (jCe, HELP!!!!) did just fairly well for 111 too. still, 111's a general psych paper, albeit there was some heavy duty bio, but how bad can it get? and the lab report... gotta get the journals from JM *bang head*

What'll dr G'll shoot us with for our finals? perhaps something on conditioning? as for anthropology, the jester predicts that the structure essay ought to pop out from the forum discussions currently running limp and dead through elearning; quote S: the horror.

pity. the first forum was such fun, and for pete's sake we churned out real opinions and discussions. just look at all the vapid posts you get now, alongside whiny brats who complain about dirty railings in buses when confronted with the question of how an anthropologist'd handle environmental issues. is that a foreshadowing of your future? how gruesome. still, it's with pride and satisfaction that i note how miss Y considers us her favourite class. i wonder if its anything to do with miss M singing our praises throughout the ADP dept, but hey, we love her back. i hope she's out of hospital already. might pop into her office for a bit these days just to tease her. (^^)

crap. feeling hungry. i know i should've eaten more, but i guess my tummy was still upset with me just now. oh well. cracker time.

well, whaddaya know? jeez.

i've just about given up scouring the damned country for my last baby's model. apparently this particular model's fallen off the ends of the earth; if you cant find the blasted model in kay elle (the biggest and most updated city in oh-so-outdated malaysia) or even on ebay, where else in the big bad world can you find it? in an obscure corner store? un-blasted-likely.

i curse my own stupidity and carelessness in forgetting it. i curse the bloody fool who stole it. i hope he tripped and fell into a big wide smelly rotten drain while using it, or was paid a whole wad of fake money, if he sold it. (such childishness. but wishful thinking holds an awful degree of satisfaction.)

in a world of ever changing trends and whims, why did i ever expect a model that came out years ago to be still lying around in cabinets waiting for desperate sillies like me to buy? heavens know i sound like a whiny brat crying for the comet, but damn, i loved that model. i dont have anyone else to blame (besides the damned thief) but myself for being careless... but hey, i guess after holding on to hope for almost half a year... i guess its rather sad to realize its futile, after all.

sigh. been digging around the net for an acceptable replacement, and so far i've seen about one thats remotely interesting. have to ask Z about it, it may be unavailable, since apparently it was released two years ago as well. the other catchy ones're way outta my budget: omnia costs over a grand. ouch. mum'd murder me, even if dad okayed it. (ought i to brave the storm and try ask anyway? nah. not worth the ear blistering i'll get)

i wonder why i'm so attached to that particular model. does one's phone selection habit indicate any bit of their personality? might make for an interesting thesis. juuuuust joking. not my type of fun, that. still... i guess it's proven others right about my being rather dogmatic and/or inflexible (i'd like to think of it as being loyal but hey, my opinion's probably skewed =/). true? you tell me. and while you're at it, go ahead and recommend me a phone or two.

P.S S says to get a cbox. where do i get one??

i'm bored.

i swore i wouldnt ever allow these graceless, cliché, over-used two words to grace my pages ever, but i guess boredom gets the better of anyone.

i've read almost all the ebooks i have twice over, the actual paper books more than thrice over, and i can't get into msn/ebuddy. so there. stuck in the box with next-to-nothing to do... i need a new book, or something like that. add that to the grievance of being badly mosquito bitten (the rainy season, you see).

never mind. (''.)

at least friday was rather amusing. after consultation, the four headed to midvalley for a movie, only to see that the place'd been fully parked... after which, we'd ended in cineleiure (is that how you spell it?) we lunched at the curve, some american/italian pannini/pizza place. the mushroom pizza on a thin crust was good. how did they think of using cream cheese to imitate feta cubes? i must try that someday.

i commend Z on his choice of movie... although not something i'd have chosen, it was rightly amusing. i wont spoil your fun, especially if S's reading this and she hasnt watched it (she'll kill me, you see. XD); but yeah... clever humour, tears, pain, and sheer irony apart, look carefully and you'll find some very painful but honest messages: sex isnt love, a marauding moth'll get burned someday, so...... watch it yourself...

and now... i intend to compile a shopping list for things that i simply must get, no more delays; top of my list.... MOSQUITO BUSTER!!!!!

P.S i nearly forgot, the quilt linen too. XD

the mysterious case of the unknown character. XD

i asked her, i did, i did! (i sound like that tweety creature: i thought i thaw a putty tat! i did! i did! i did thaw a putty tat!)


i dont know what made us dread the consultation session with her so much, 
but the jester and i were heads over heels trying to come up with material to cover every aspect in case she decides to question us on so-and-so... we worried for naught.

miss Y in class and miss Y out of class're two very different people: in class she strikes everyone as the intimidating, omnipotent type of character... probably the (sad) fact that she can easily hold her own against the entire class's contributed to that overall impression, but i guess i'd gotten it wrong. who knew she had such a happy laugh? it sure was something, watching her break into peals of laughter at er, something we did. *grin*

our 'consultation' was done in about ten minutes, wasnt it? i think so, because i remember glancing at my watch and realizing i had about 5 minutes left; reason enough to make me gulp and work up the guts to ask her about my name. i confess, had she not been in such a genial mood, or had we not managed to please her with what we'd come up with (for our paper) so far, i wouldnt have dared to ask.

in any case, she hasnt seen the word before, and she finds it interesting that my granda named us all 'Qiu' (autumn) for our middle name, regardless of gender. she did mention something about asking some colleages of hers *fingers crossed quickly*... i'm to email her to set an appointment to see her next week, which, i am ashamed to admit, i havent done. tomorrow, i promise.

oh, would that these people hold a sliver of hope for me... why didnt i ask grandfather when he was still alive?

P.S long weekends're never fun for me. i end up hiding in my box for days on end, just like a damned hermit. gah.

who, who? why???

and whoopee-dee-doo! i seem to have recovered my aptitude for writing prose and poetry... thought i'd lost the touch for it, heh. imagine. just in the span of less than an hour, i wrote two poems. and yesterday, i plied myself into remaking one of the jester's stories, and boy, i missed the fun...

ye who want to have a peek: www.adelandria.multiply.com.

i refuse to post any poetry here; the name of this blog should be indication enough. it's to be strictly journalistic, whilst the other one's purely for the sake of the art.

as for the short story... its a bit of a game-ish, riddle-ish kind of mystery piece... i left enough clues to lead to the answer... check it out at www.thejestersayshehe.wordpress.com.

try figure it out before you ask me for the answer. XD

enough about prose and poetry. i thoroughly enjoyed myself this morning in both AN101 and PSY111, particularly in the former. i had not envisioned how rich my own culture is, or how simply membership in the clans can signify so much. miss Y described all about her family lineage, tracing all the way to a mandarin officer, was it in the sung dynasty? neither had i known that having your name painted in gold on your gran/granda's tombstone meant you were a direct descendant responsible for carrying the line on (essentially meaning only sons get that), and we girls get red. not very fair, is it?


all this... its just gotten me all fired up wanting to know more about my lineage. i know little else about my great-grandmother, except that she was of the priviledged class, having tiny bound feet, and the rich-man's luxury of being an opium addict. my great-great-grandfather was no ordinary man, it seems. who was he? i hear tales of said lady leaving her grand home with the vast courtyards and endless passages running through the different quarters of the house. who was the first Lim to step onto borneo land and establish such a lineage? who was the man from whom my grandfather's, my father's, mine and my cousins' name sprung? who are you? were you a mandarin? a pirate? unlikely, given the clues from my great-granda's station. who were you?


imagine my shock when i asked my dad if he belonged to the clan of our namesake, and he replied in the affirmative. i had no inkling at all of his involvement, albeit probably as an inactive member in such associations whatsoever. it bodes well for me though, a lovely chance to actually be able to find out what i want to know. i must admit, my embracing the christian faith does not allow me to participate in the deity and ancestral worship so much a part of the clan rituals. but i will not give my faith up. i merely want answers, that's all.

and all that makes me wonder... why did my grandfather choose for me this name i bear? what does it mean? i cannot find it in any dictionary; no one has ever seen nor heard of it. i myself can only deduce the pronounciation based on the romanization of my name my grandfather has given me. for years i've been trying to find out, asking numerous people, and fending off curious questions pertaining to the meaning of the word which i'm ashamed to admit, i dont know. it's so very tempting, the urge to seek out miss Y and ask her help, to see if any of her fellow intellectualists can trace this word for me, except i dont know how to word my request. would she be offended? would i be imposing upon her? or would she welcome it as a challenge? i want to know, so very badly...