Chapter forty-four: My Heart Lives

I thirst for the arts

Like a man parched dry

To look not at a ceiling

But a clear blue sky

I long for the freedom

That my words once took

Spirited, unfettered

Not all by the book

I turn to the rhythms

Like a flower to the sun

To return to the warmth

As a prodigal son

But trapped as I am

In these blank white walls

Begrudging the time

As it sedately crawls

Only my words

Here they spill and seep

As my fingers fly

And my heartbeats leap

The tang of freedom,

A tantalizing thought

A respite from tedium

No matter how short

Though long is the distance

Between now and then

Yet I rejoice,

Because my heart lives again!

Chapter Forty-three: Holding on Tight.

I felt beneath my fingertips

A solid wall of glass

The faint outline of a faraway door

Yea, the lock was fast.

I sat amidst the whispering blooms

An interloper in their midst

The warmth they held against their wombs

I.. was not part of that bliss.

The sun that walked with us part way

It fell not on my face

But cast me in such shadowy gray; 

I was far from grace.

Give me strength to battle despair

I have not fallen to thee

But I, in loneliness, I write to me

And such, my heart repair. 

Chapter Forty-two: Taking a Deep Breath

My heart is heavy with tenderness

Tipped full to its brim

With thoughts so filled with gentleness

 Soft as the sun’s first beam

The unuttered hope that seeds within

Blossoms I cherish sweetly

Gives me courage to finally begin

A babe’s steps still wobbly

Too many doors have I closed before

All in the name of fear

Tracing scars from departed sores

Chasing apparitions that appear

Thus today I cut the leading-strings

That tied me to that past

From here I’ll take what tomorrow brings

And hope my courage will last. 

Chapter Forty: Oddities of a Ramshackle Mind.

One word of caution
A note to myself
Let thoughts not quicken
But creep by in stealth

For in my head they did race
And whirl me in a dream
Twisted me in an obscure embrace
Beyond my conscious stream

I step far from yon mirror;
It shows the demons within
Yet i needs must see them clearer;
Thus cycles re-begin

Perhaps i need to follow
The breadcrumbs along the way
Your strength perhaps i'll borrow
For sure, i'll wander astray

So i clutch your sleeve and hold on tight
Letting my eyelids close
And entreat you to adopt my fight
Perhaps you'll triumph, who knows?

Chapter Thirty-nine: The World inside One Fragment.

i gazed into a painting, but then it cracked on me
it shattered into fragments, more than i could see
i looked then at the pieces that lay prone at my feet
and wondered why it seemed as though their edges wouldnt meet

picking one of them up, i was shocked to find
that each piece was a picture, a story of its kind
i put them back together, they wouldnt fit at all
for every single one of them was a different world made small

so i took the broken pigments and ran them through my eyes
travesty for honesty, i took the truth for lies
these to melt and splatter, on the canvas inside my head
till they seeped forth from the fabric, colours that slowly bled

i try to scrub them off the walls, scour with turpentine
to have instead a clean white slate, untainted by chimeric state
yet thoughts entice, cling like a vice, by nature serpentine
so how can i my art deny, my power to fabricate? 

Chapter Thirty-eight: I.

I ‘m floating on the horizon

A dot upon the sea

I don’t know where I’m going

Or who’ll be going with me

I’m as like a lost sheep

Baaing her way around

(So) I’m still a-meandering

Hoping I can be found

I hope in time I’ll discover

I’ll still like me, whatever that be

After searching the why;

But as it is, the one I resist

Is no one less than I. 

Chapter Thirty-seven: Knocking You Off Your Pedestals.

Caught the end of a whiplash tongue

From one whose praises I might have sung

Why does it feel like stigma by association

Or is it merely just me imagination

I caught myself from sassing you back
And not just because I abide by tact
Or disdain to hit you with knowledge you lack
Now I'm just disgusted by your collective act

The words one gave, yesterday and today
Did all but give your sentiments away
Looks like you've indeed found your own kind
In my eyes tis fitting that like does like find

I poured enough of the bitterness that some did beget
The rash words I uttered in anger I do regret
Remain in there, as mere faces met
Or perhaps as lessons I'll never forget.

Chapter Thirty-six: A Fire to Warm Your Bones.

Once upon a curious world four wanderers lived, each in their own corner of the land.

Now then, in each of their own corners, these four had lived twenty moons or more, and indeed had felt joy, sorrow, and created their own share of havoc in their own day. And as the young are wont to do, they set out to travel down the twisty forest of living. And so they slung their weighty burdens over their shoulders and off they went away,  trying to find their paths while steering free of the brambles that grew over and around the way. 

Meandering and blundering through the tangles of the forest, two of these four came together, and in gladness they joined hands and walked forward together, yet going around in circles and losing their way. 

And yet another one, chasing a rainbow that appeared bright in the sky, found himself tripping on vines that lay across his path. Still did the rainbow tantalize him, for it appeared before him in all its glory, only to disappear when he stretched his hands to grab hold of it.

And the fourth wanderer, who was carefully exploring his way, found a wounded fox that he took with him as he journeyed, gently nursing it back to health. But alas, as stronger it grew by the day, the fox did leave the wanderer, and ran away. And so he was left alone, in the darkness of the forest's gloom. 

Tired of the shadows in the forest, the bramble-weary wanderers, while seeking shelter from the cold winds that blew their hearts cold, finally, wearily stumbled into a clearing.

And so sat they down to rest awhile, when they began to stoke a fire to warm themselves. Gently did the fire flicker, and grew stronger as the foursome fed it, till it became a warm glow that held them close.

And here this wanderer prays that they can keep the fire glowing, a fire not only of humans' making, that gives a warmth that will see them through the deepest chill. 

May the Father grant this prayer. Amen. 

Chapter Thirty-four: Vermillion Wash.

My heart bled the colour of a painted sky
Fresh reds and golds of a marigold's eye
Work, my lips and tongue, to speak in flames
The gush of wild words that my mind tames

There on the hearth did the creature lie
Burnt, purified, dying with one final cry
Once, twice, thrice more did it haunt me
Have the shackles finally finally broken free

Brilliant vermillion, crimson in its heat
The colour draws me, hard does my heart beat
Red, the colour of life, the colour of blood
May you my life, my soul with vitality flood.

Chapter Thirty-three: The Malaysian 'Kitchen God'.

Demme, but ‘tis the kitchen god who speaks! says he.

Speak he will to the numerous ones, on whose goodwill the fate of my regard runs.

Faith, I must sweeten him with honey, his wagging tongue tame, that he will speak kindly and cast no slur upon my illustrious name.

O god of the hearth most kind, take this gift and sing sweet praises of me and mine. Here is toffee to glue your lips, and smoke most fragrant, your eyes to eclipse.

And finally, most esteemed teller of tales, who reports for all, accept this; ‘tis but colourful scraps, that you may throw around, what your heart desires, ‘twill cost naught at all!

O wonderful deity, o benevolent one, remember to paint me in rays of the sun.

Speak well of me, and you I shall keep, well-fed in spirit, and your pockets full-deep.

For mine is the power, to tear down your shrine, with a whispered word here, and through influence of mine.

Chapter Thirty-two: Says the Reed to the Shell, and likewise.

Said the reed to the shell
You look nothing like me

Get away for a spell

Till you’ve changed completely

Said the shell to the reed

What do you know of substance

When you won’t look inside

At my brains for instance

Said the reed to the duck

Why have you an appetite

For mollusks of the sort

It doesn’t look right

Said the duck to the reed

That you wouldn’t know

Cause you’re you anyway

With your opinions so low

Said the shell to the reed

Here I opened myself wide

But what did you do

You threw sand inside

Said the duck to the shell

It will be alright

Give it some time

And then together we’ll fight

Said the shell to the duck

Don’t know if I can

My shell is fragile

How much can it stand

Said the duck to the shell

You must try anyway

I’ll broaden my wings

And you sandpaper away

Said the shell to the duck

I’ll try for your sake

Let’s hope we won’t lose

Everything that’s at stake.

Chapter Thirty-one: Muddling in the Middling Crowd.

I disdain to do usual
Desire to break the mould
And yet the damndest thing is
Can't do without being told

 I've been taught to settle
Also yet to reflect
But methinks I dissemble
In displaying true intellect

Here I hear about sprinting ahead
But how does one apply?
Another talks about brilliance instead
But what does that signify?

I'll not call myself stupid
No need to go that far
BUt it eats at me like acid
'How much do you think you are...?'

 O tell me why we talk so much
Of the best pick of the cream?
Why when they're so out of touch
High up on the extreme?

Where will the crop be
Those of the middling crowd
Who're neither brilliant nor silly
But not like the cream endowed?

Chapter Thirty: Untangling.

Blinks an eye
Sitting on the horizon
By nothing but newness freshened
And at the panorama, widened


Listens the ear
A powerful tune resonate
From another's head donate
Breathlessly more await


Thinks the mind
Twisted pathways burning fire
Tangled thoughts aspire
Stoking up the need to rewire


Feels the heart
The strands of love inside
The fear that grips as time I bide
Courage, do you yet still hide?

Chapter Twenty-nine: Whited Sepulchre, Cast Not Your Stones.

You preach with your front and judge with your back
For others' reputations, you cut them no slack
You condemn such actions, reacting posthaste
And yet to these others, you give the same taste

Oh Hypocrite should be thy name indeed
In intention, in mind and also in deed
Such airs you put on, all holier-than-thou
And nary a slip for others' conduct you allow

How different are you, from those you denounce?
For like them, on such hurtful things do you pounce
Such accurate labels, such delicious dirt
And such snide judgements of people do you assert

'Tis ashamed I am, of people like you
Who talk of God, while doing what you do
Walk the talk, if you're going to preach
Else can the moral lessons; you ain't fit to teach.

Chapter Twenty-eight: Prayer.

Oh Lord, lead my feet 
For i know not where to go
Where the ends will meet
Where rich green pastures grow

Oh Lord, fill my heart
For i am as yet weak
When i am torn apart
Your strength do i seek

Oh Lord, walk with me
For i am always afraid
Tremblings of a nature
That i for myself made

Lord, give me succour
When i cannot go on
In Your arms will i be secure
Fear and anxiety begone

Lord, hear me pray
As i now write this verse
My fears, will You allay
As with You i converse

Almighty Lord, be my light
As in the dark i grope
Through the dangers of the night
Towards Your immaculate ray of hope.

Chapter Twenty-seven: Do Tell.

Tell me, is it truly over,
The ordeals of the day?
Tell me, is the night here
In harmony to stay?

Tell me why my heart beats
Fast and thus in pain
When a loss is no loss
And from that loss comes a gain

Tell me why I'm reluctant
To do what I feel I must
To give the cut direct
To lesions fouled with pus?

Tell me how I was swayed
After decisions were made
Why I think it might get better
When such a price is to be paid?

Tell me why I want to hold on
When I simply want to let go
Tell me about the contradiction
Tell me, why don't I know?

Chapter Twenty-six: A Cage of Conventions.

Twine these together,
Weave a cloth of fallacies
That I needs must use a blade
To pick apart such intricacies

Curse the rope of propriety
Binding this appendage
Plain brass gilded by conventions
Trapping such violent rage

They say there must needs be fire
Wherein be the stench of smoke
But of these allegations I tire
Be they not heart-felt

Does such a paradox
In thine eyes appear
When sight is laid
Upon this soul here?

Give me leave
To live in the best of both
To straddle sane and mad
Without such misgivings as I loathe.

Chapter Twenty-five: Pledge.

Here crash the waves
The undercurrent dark
Washes the rock at your feet
Carving its mark

Here the grim thoughts
That permeate your mind
Deep the web I fought
For you, solace I would find

Here are the tears
That seal our bonds
Crystalline dew
On eyelash fronds

Here is the time
That my mind met yours
In a dance, that swayed
Like a ballet of wars

And here is my cup
That I drink to thee
My pledge, my covenant
Far, yes, far, as far as we can see.

Chapter Twenty-four: On The Dearth of Judgment, Fortitude, and Fortune-a-leaky.

Tens of times doth my battle-call low
With each call came sharp pricks
Tens of times doth my fortitude grow
And beat them back with sticks.

Where shall I reach in the cavern of time
To seek sound judgment back?
Where the sugar to drown the lime
That's eating at my tact?

I see I was mistaken
For methinks I saw a wonderland
But here float shadows misshapen
Lord, help me understand.

Found myself looking through the wall
Strangely, I saw beyond
It works not then as a dead end should
But to my fascination, doth respond.

Squat I among the relics
The cracked pot turned to dust
And now a figurine, moulding
Yea, that be a must.

Chapter Twenty Three: Deep, Deep, Deep As A Pavement Puddle.

Deep are the thoughts you have in your head
To buy, to spend, to splurge on that dress?

Deeper are they up in your mind
Should I, should I not, oh, I digress!

Deep they are in the back of your brain
Can I wear it once, or twice, or thrice?

Again you think, in the recess of your head
I was so close to buying it, to be precise

Here and there, its right in your mind
If I wear it once, can I do it again and again?

Such deep thoughts flit all over your brain
They torture, they flutter, they drive me insane

(Ah, i see.)

(If these are the thoughts that you call deep,)

*shakes head*

(I guess intellect just isn't something you bother to keep.)